How Being Both The Ghoster And The Ghost-ee Has Saved My Life
By Alexandria Roswick Here’s why it’s completely acceptable to drop certain people without an explanation.
Okay, so, I’m going to admit something. Over the course of my dating history, I’ve ghosted a ton of men. And guess what else? I don’t feel an ounce of guilt about it. Before you begin to speculate: Yes, I’m an Aquarius. But that doesn’t make my confession any less valid!
I know what you're thinking. That I’m toxic, right? Wrong. You see, I had my reasons for what I did. Anytime I vanished on a man, it was because he made me feel something in my gut. The women who are reading this likely know exactly what I’m referring to (It’s called intuition).
Red sirens were going off in my head as these men responded to my texts with subtle manipulation, gaslighting, or if they portrayed love-bombing behaviors. Or maybe they sexualized a random innocent comment I made. Or maybe they said something blatantly rude, violent, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, etc.
Could I have told these men exactly what bothered me about them? Yes. Thank god I didn’t, though! That sounds like something that 22-year-old Alex would have done. And then she’d get talked into giving these time-wasters another chance. Because they’re truly so nice and just really nervous around me, or they come off a certain way at first, but if I got to know them, they promise it’d be worth it!
No. Just, no. Never again.
The point is, I’m not talking about your average guys. It’s not like I ghosted them because I wasn’t attracted to them. The vast majority of the men I ghosted posed a potential threat. One minute, I was chatting with them, and the next, I came to the realization that continuing might put me in possible physical or psychological danger. Even though I’m young, I’ve faced a lot of abusive men in my past. I know how they operate. I know that after a certain point, they are impossible to break away from.
Once a manipulator charms someone with their love-bombing tactics, once they manipulate someone into a relationship, there is no telling how long this victim will be trapped. The effects are tremendous and lasting.
As a survivor, I am actually more likely to be targeted by these types of men over and over. Therefore, I’m always looking out for red flags.
Because I’ve learned the same lesson so many times, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I can say this with a hundred percent certainty: The only way to ensure your safety is to cut these types of people out. I don’t need the psychologists to back me up to know this, but it helps that they do.
No contact. No explanation. No goodbye. Block on all platforms. This is because boundaries do not work on predators, manipulators, or narcissists.
If I had told these sketchy men that we were incompatible, but we could “still be friends” it would be like walking straight into one of the many traps they’d set before I even responded to their initial tinder swipe.
These manipulative types take advantage of the slightest whiff of empathy. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. Trust me, it’s already happened to me on several occasions. Because sadly, no amount of awareness will make a person immune to psychological manipulation.
They already knew how to control every single conversation. They had the exact tools needed in order to reel me in again and slither back up to that number one priority spot. This is how many narcissists maintain relationships with their exes — all because they want to keep the supply flowing from multiple streams at once. Anyways, it would’ve worked on me had I allowed them any leeway. But I didn’t. I knew that in order to stay safe, I had to obliterate any opportunity for them to walk back into my life.
I have another confession to make! I’ve been ghosted numerous times. The men who ghosted me were either those I went on a few dates with or those I’d invested an embarrassing amount of time in. As someone with an anxious-attachment style, these all hit harder than they do for most people. They left me traumatized from triggered abandonment issues.
What can I say? I’m sensitive and “needy,” which is most likely the reason I was ghosted so many times.
But you wanna know something? I’m so glad they all ghosted me. I’m grateful that none of these people are in my life anymore. I don’t want to be with anyone who views my personal emotional needs as “too much.” These men were not the right men! I’m relieved that I didn’t waste any more of my time, energy, or emotions on people who saw my attributes as flaws.
I’m on to bigger and better, and hopefully, wherever these men are, they’re happy too. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell. That doesn’t mean I’m cool with them. It means it is what it is.
We were never meant to be together and these men did me a favor by ending it. Ghosting is inconsiderate in a lot of situations, but I’d rather be discarded than kept on a hook. Contrary to popular belief, I’d also rather be ghosted than have to deal with an awkward conversation that ends in me being rejected, especially if it’s with a condescending man who thinks he’s superior. What an ego bruise!
There are some things I’d rather not know. And while not knowing can be torturous in its own way, that’s dating! Yup! That’s what we all sign up for. Besides, those honest conversations between two people — who really don’t owe each other anything — tend to go horribly. Because as I said before, it’s an ego bruise. And we humans have proven time and time again that we aren’t graceful in the slightest when it comes to facing such injuries.
Sure, there are healthier ways to handle things than cutting people out. But in many instances, it may be the only way to protect your mental health and physical safety. I say block ’em at the first sign of red flags! And don’t you dare feel guilty about it.