By Alexandria Roswick
They tell me I'm strong. It's true.
How familiar, the sound of misunderstanding
behind the word "strong"
coupled with good intentions.
I say nothing
or "thank you."
It’s widely believed that
trauma makes victims more resilient.
Trauma doesn't make victims more
anything.
Trauma takes. Trauma is a monster that aims to annihilate
anything in its path.
Trauma has the strength to destroy human beings
and it has done so to many.
And I used to think that it destroyed me.
Scientists say that trauma can alter
everything about a person;
Physical,
psychological,
spiritual.
Trauma is a monster.
It doesn't care. It consumes.
The monster enters our bodies,
infects our minds,
spreads through our bloodstreams
and embeds itself into our DNA.
It defies every system of safety we've ever built within ourselves;
Physical,
psychological,
spiritual.
But the monster can't
nurture, improve, heal,
recover, or save.
We do that ourselves. We build the cocoons.
How we work to dispel the monster
reveals our strengths, which already exist
within us long before the wrecking.
The monster did not transform us. Don't you dare give it an ounce of credit.
The only thing the monster ever did was eat us alive.
I can't speak for all survivors
but I know that I didn't "come out" of trauma stronger,
I am the one slowly forcing the monster
to come out of me.
I defend myself daily with the strength I was born with.
I adapt to the monster’s appetite.
I continue to breathe while it sucks the oxygen from my lungs.
I combat Every single recurring attack.
The monster is not the reason
I am strong.
The monster is not the reason
I am ever-changing and rebuilding.
I had already been both caterpillar
and butterfly many times before.
And here I am again flying, with wings
once severed and then stitched and re-stitched,
shedding the monster piece by piece.
Despite its initial slaughter it now cowers to me
because I proved it never belonged here.
Trauma is a monster
but it was also just an event.
The eternal metamorphosis is and has always been
my power;
Physical.
psychological.
spiritual.
This poem was originally published in Know Thyself Heal Thyself on November 10th, 2021.